something to start

Much like my diaries and journals growing up that were started with enthusiasm and eventually left with empty pages, I begin my fourth blog. Typing it is a little embarrassing, but as with much of life, I can justify just about anything: I merely moved one blog over when I switched to blogger, I started a baby blog but couldn't continue it after I lost the baby, and then the one I had for five years got to the point where I didn't feel like I could write without carefully editing my words - or had to leave so many topics off the table that it didn't feel authentic anymore. More than anything, I don't want to live an edited or superficial life. It's gotten to the point where I run from situations that don't allow me to be authentic. My prayer is this blog will chronicle a journey back to authenticity. A journey that finds me confidently standing firm that though I may not share the same opinion as everyone, I don't need to keep any part of my character in the shadows to make it easier for everyone else. I've discovered in in emerging adulthood that a life without waves does not allow for a life authentic... and I crave authenticity.

My greatest challenge that will make this such a journey is that in order to be real, I need to be whole. I gave my heart to God years and years ago, but I'm yet to fully give him my life. Somehow I've missed the depth of his commandment to simply love people. It will likely come up repeatedly and with more explanation later, but while I've discovered my spiritual gift is discernment, left to my own vices, it often toes the line with judgment. I know my role in relationships that have been bruised or broken is I'm seen as judgmental and harsh because until recently I could always stand firmly in my opinion knowing it was rooted either in Truth or common sense, but my need to be unwavering was done without grace and overshadowed any hint of love. I can't be authentic or unedited until love is felt as clearly as my words are heard. It sounds so completely impossible, but I have faith that God will be faithful to a heart that pursues Him... so while I can't picture it I believe it will happen.

That said, any blog that journals life day-to-day will include random stories, exaggerated adventures and the trials, tribulations and JOY I get daily from my small army of children and husband. Please hold, chaos to follow...