Much like my
diaries and journals growing up that were started with enthusiasm and
eventually left with empty pages, I begin my fourth
blog. Typing it is a little embarrassing, but as with much of life, I
can justify just about anything: I merely moved one blog over when I switched
to blogger, I started a baby blog but couldn't continue it after I lost the baby, and then the one I had for
five years got to the point where I didn't feel like I could write without
carefully editing my words - or had to leave so many topics off the table
that it didn't feel authentic anymore. More than anything, I don't want to live
an edited or superficial life. It's gotten to the point where I run from
situations that don't allow me to be authentic. My prayer is this blog will
chronicle a journey back to authenticity. A journey that finds me confidently
standing firm that though I may not share the same opinion as everyone, I
don't need to keep any part of my character in the shadows to make it
easier for everyone else. I've discovered in in emerging adulthood that
a life without waves does not allow for a life authentic... and I
crave authenticity.
My greatest challenge that will make this such a journey is that in order
to be real, I need to be whole. I gave my heart to God years and years ago, but
I'm yet to fully give him my life. Somehow I've missed the depth of his
commandment to simply love people. It will likely come up repeatedly and with
more explanation later, but while I've discovered my spiritual gift is
discernment, left to my own vices, it often toes the line with judgment. I know
my role in relationships that have been bruised or broken is I'm seen as
judgmental and harsh because until recently I could always stand firmly in
my opinion knowing it was rooted either in Truth or common sense, but my
need to be unwavering was done without grace and overshadowed any hint of love.
I can't be authentic or unedited until love is felt as clearly as my words
are heard. It sounds so completely impossible, but I have faith that
God will be faithful to a heart that pursues Him... so while I
can't picture it I believe it will happen.
That said, any blog that journals life day-to-day will include random
stories, exaggerated adventures and the trials, tribulations and JOY I get
daily from my small army of children and husband. Please hold, chaos to
follow...